Life of Lives
by Silraen
Summary: Looking back over her youth, Arwen Undomiel had been content...she had lived without the knowledge of time and death. But now she is sorrowful, for her husband had given himself to the cirlces of the world so long ago, and now she is soon to follow.


Life of Lives

  


The land of Lothlorien had once been full of life, wonder and beauty. It had once been the home of my mother's kin…and my beloved kin as well. Ever since the dawning of history, the Elves had dwelt here amongst the once lush and golden mallorn trees, living in a seemingly endless dream of light, glittering mists of pale amber rose. A faint smile comes to my lips as I remember the music, the dancing, the light. As I look back to the years of my youth, I remember contentment. I had lived without the knowledge of death. I had breathed without the knowledge of time. I had loved with boundless joy in the world about me…and I had especially loved in this land which none save myself now walk.

A sigh passes through my lips as I remember how the light breezes would used to sigh as they would caress the boughs of the trees…how even when the rain would fall from the heavens to replenish nature's wonders, the land would never become bitterly cold. Ah yes… Those days of warm rains now come rushing back to me…the miles of windless, sweet summer night air. My slight smile fades and tears of longing blur my vision. Those blissful, carefree days, when the radiance of my youth had shone so brightly in my hopeful eyes, are long gone, as are all my kin...my people. And I am alone…so very alone as I walk these familiar, yet lifeless, starlit paths.

And yet, this feeling of isolation and desolate emptiness is not a new feeling. Ever since you had gone from me, Estel, I had been gone as well. Indeed, I walk. Indeed, I breathe. But I do not live. I do not feel. I do not love. Never has my heart known such emptiness. If only you could listen to my heart, beloved. If only you could see me now. If only you could see what I have become. My heart and soul cries out in pain for you. They weep with the loss of you. You had once said that forever, even when you would fade from our world, you would always be with me, around me, in me, and never would I truly be alone. You had promised me.

And yet, when I look back to the years after you had left me to live the life you so willingly left behind, to live my life alone in those years of endless sorrow, you were never there…I could not even sense your familiar presence within me. Only in my dreams did I see you, but never would they last long...and you would fade from me and I would wake in those nights, alone and afraid, crying and screaming for you, groping the darkness for your gentle touch…for your loving embrace. But you were never there to answer my desperate cries, to soothe my trembling body...to caress the tears from my cheeks. And after I would lie still for several moments, sobbing in the darkness into your pillow, I would begin to feel the weight of my long years pressing upon my heart, and I could feel the eternal sleep begin to take me. But never did I fully give in to its coaxing embrace, no matter how much I longed to. For I knew that if I did, I would never awaken from it.

Though I had wished to fade even as you had done, I could not. I had promised you that I would first take care of our children…and that I would help our only son rise like the new dawn to Kingship. And so I did. I had kept my promise to you, meleth nin. But now it is time to see if you will keep yours. Will you come for me now that I am beginning to fade?

I raise my eyes towards the starlit heavens. The Evening Star is dwindling, I can see it. I can even sense it. Sadness clutches at my shattered heart as I remember the days in which it had shone so brightly…as brightly the light that had once gleamed in your crystalline depths. Your eyes…your eyes that had once held everything for me; my Twilight, my life, my hope, my love. I can still vividly recall the day in which we first met beneath the flowering birches of Imladris. I remember how the sun had risen in your youthful depths…and how, then and there, you had found the way to my heart.

Tears now trail down my cheeks as those memories of joyful days long passed flood my heart and soul. Joyful days in which I had spent with you: our fateful meeting in the evening twilight; the joyful season in which we had spent together here, in these very woods; the eve of our troth plighting…our marriage…and the many nights of the wonderful, pure bliss following that perfect eve.

Those memories of the nights in which we shared are most vivid in my mind and heart. I remember the way in which you would speak to me…murmuring and whispering loving words in the dark. I can still remember the way in which you would hold me to you…the way in which your arms would wrap around me, drawing me so near that I thought we could never become closer. I remember the touch and taste of your lips against mine…and how, in the nights or early mornings, I would stir to wakefulness to the touch of your lips trailing across my skin…as light and as gentle as the caress of a feather.

Fresh tears well in my eyes as I recall the nights in which you would awake from your nightmares of the Shadow, fearful and despairing. And always I would awake with you. I remember how I would hold you close even as you would cling desperately to me…and I would comfort you…I would soothe your fears and chase away your grief by softly singing to you while I would caress you. I remember how I would stay awake even as you slept, and I would keep you tightly wrapped in my embrace all through the night.

The birth of our children was one of my greatest joys of our years passed. I can still remember the look in your gaze when you first beheld Eldarion in my arms. Our son…oh, beloved, if you could see him now…you would be so proud of him. He is so akin to you, meleth nin, in voice, in appearance and even in his way of thinking. And our daughters…oh, love, if you could also see them…they've grown so wise…so beautiful…and I know that they will help Eldarion rule our Kingdom the way in which we have always taught him to.

Finally, my slow steps cease and I realize that I am standing upon the very hill of Cerin Amroth; the blessed hill…the very heart of Elvendome on earth where my heart dwelt long before the flight of the Shadow. Once again, my eyes flicker to the heavens – to the Evening Star, and I slowly begin to lie down. The green blades of soft grass pass over my back and as I close my eyes, I can feel a gentle breeze flowing across the empty valley.

I can feel sleep begin to take me, finally…but I am holding my last breath. I am fearful, Estel. I am fearful of death…of what it is. I became fearful the moment your soul had passed from your body. I became fearful as you had died there, that morning, in my arms. But I know now, as I have always known, that this is the only way for us to live on together eternally, as we have always meant to. And I know that this is right. I have always known this…and now, my fear aside, it is time for me.

I am calling out for you…can you hear me? Can you hear my soul? And I know you are coming now…I can sense your presence near to me, beckoning me, calling me as I fall further into black. And now that you are here, surrounding me, I fade willingly into the darkness that is so suddenly no longer black, but golden with a joyous, luminescent light. It is your golden embrace that I am fading into, and with this last thought, I am now all blissfully yours, meleth nin:

You came for me, my beloved, my Hope, my sun. The great love that we shared in our lifetime has at last guided me back to you. Life of lives, beginning to end, we are alive, as one, forever. I will be with you always, beloved mine.

finis

~*~

8~14~03


End file.
